Today, I was walking to class and realized that I have been reminiscing on my past life that hasn't been the same for years.
Here's the thing, for those of you who don't know me, I'm graduating college in 6 weeks. And let me tell you, it's been one hell of a run. Since this last semester started, I've been reflecting a lot on what my life looks like now and what I want it to look like in the not so distant future.
I've been thinking about graduation dresses and apartments and school and jobs. Applying and not applying for them. Buying and returning dresses. Battling the push and pull of this time of my life.
I've been mourning, I guess.
In a way.
But today, something changed.
As I walked to class, I walked past my freshman year best friend's dorm, one of the oldest buildings left on campus. It's gruesome, and if you go to CSU you can guess which one it is. I walk past it almost every day and for the last several weeks, I walk past it and remember all of the memories from it.
Nights spent in.
Nights spent out.
Mornings spent together.
Movie nights.
Hide and seek around the building.
Throwing gummy snacks down the hallway.
The tears and laughter of thinking we were grown up when we weren't.
I don't think we are still but,
I started thinking about what I was reminiscing on and why as I walked past the building and into my first class.
I decided I was thinking about and even, in some ways, mourning the fun times and those really amazing people.
Why?
I wasn't sure yet.
Class went by and on my way back to my apartment, I walked past the building again, realizing that I will never truly be ready for my future if I stay hooked on my past.
So why was I doing it?
Because I know the past. I know the past very well. Those memories are clear as day as I walk past that building but when I think of my future, sometimes I draw a pretty general blank on the whole thing.
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
What's going to happen?
How's it all going to work out?
Often times, we know a lot less about the future than we do about the past.
As I walked, I came to the realization that it hasn't been the same for years. Those moments have been done and gone for three years now. Some of those people I used to call best friends, I haven't seen or heard from in years. We moved away from each other, we grew into better, authentic versions of ourselves. We found new things. And that's okay.
In fact, that's how it's supposed to roll.
We are not meant to spent our lives in one place forever. Whether that's physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually.
I think that has the tendency to make people wildly uncomfortable, and if that ticks you off, it probably means that you're uncomfortable by it. And that's just fine.
I don't think most people like being told that at some point or another, the party ends. Whatever the "party" means to you.
I'm one of those people sometimes.
It's scary and anxiety educing and sometimes even painful. Really painful.
But, it's what we are meant to do. And like I said, that's okay.
Actually, I encourage it. And I encourage you to think about your life and maybe reflect on where you could let go and grow, too.
Now, I don't know what your life looks like right now. Maybe you're right at the same point as me and maybe you're in a totally different place. Wherever you are, I hope that you can remember to look forward and not behind.
I don't think it's bad to reminisce on memories, especially the good ones. I think it can be really happy sometimes. Even now, I am so thankful for those memories and the time spent with good friends.
But, more than anything, I want to lock my eyes on my future and spend more time there than in the past. I want to focus on breathing in the future and exhaling the past, leaning on it only in fondness and adoration of how far I have come and how far I have to go.
I urge you to try the same and let me know how it goes.
I hope this helps and if anything, I hope it gave you a little break :)
x
bella (beelo)